A good friend of mine just adopted a new baby boy. Looking at his tiny face has brought back a flood of memories from when I started my own parenting journey almost 18 years ago. What makes it especially bittersweet is the fact that my oldest will be graduating from high school in a few short months.

As I watch my friend navigate going from a wife to a mom, I am reminded of how different I am since I started my own parenting journey so long ago.

Unlike many young women, I never dreamed of motherhood, and I am not terribly maternal by nature. I love my boys fiercely, but at the same time, motherhood was never my ultimate dream. I wanted adventures and travel and excitement and fame. Yes, I admit it – I daydreamed about being interviewed on Oprah for my bestselling novel and about speaking in front of vast audiences to thunderous applause.

Instead, what I got was a small town, diapers and something way harder yet more beautiful than becoming famous – being a mom. The thing is, I’m glad God didn’t hand me the dreams that I fantasized over because I needed the refining that came with motherhood.

God had a lot of work to do in my heart and mind. He had to rub away the pride and the selfishness and the idea that the world revolved around me and what I wanted and needed. (not that I don’t still struggle with those things sometimes).

So, He made me a mother.

Maybe this isn’t true for you, but I feel like my kids have taught me way more than I have taught them. (well, besides the whole potty thing).

Children have a way of exposing all of our rough spots and the areas where self reigns supreme. They have a way of pushing you way outside your comfort zone  (cleaning up vomit anyone?).They have a way of taking you down to the raw and the real in a way nothing else does.

I’ve been attending church since my own parents brought me home at a month old. I’ve gone to a Christian school and then a Christian college. I’ve served in church from the nursery to AWANA to a women’s Sunday School class to the women’s ministry committee. I’ve attended numerous conferences and read, quite literally, hundreds of books on the Christian life and faith.

But with the exception of the times spent one-on-one with Jesus, nothing has changed me more than being a parent.

Want to learn about selflessness? Parent a newborn.

Want to learn about humility and self-control? Parent a toddler.

Want to learn about patience? Parent a preschooler with their endless questions.

Want to learn about joy and contentment in the mundane? Parent a grade-schooler.

Want to learn about trusting God more? Parent a teenager.

In every phase of my children’s lives, God has taught me something about myself (usually something I really didn’t want to know), and He has continued to rub those rough edges off.

In the past, I haven’t really written much about parenting. Sure, I’ve shared some milestones my kids have hit or something deeply meaningful that God has taught me, but overall, on this subject I’ve been pretty quiet. The reason for that is mostly I wanted to respect my kids’ privacy. After all, this is my blog and just because I want to share my life with the world, that doesn’t mean they necessarily do, too.

But as a new season is now within sight (just three short years until my youngest graduates), I feel the time is right to do a write a little more about parenting. I also have a good friend who just wrote a book I think should be in the hands of every new (and not so new) mom, called Triggers: Exchanging Angry Responses for Gentle Biblical Responses.

So, in honor of these two big things, I am writing this series on parenting. I’m also inviting you to join me for The Parenting Challenge, because I can always use a little more accountability in my parenting. How about you? You can check out The Parenting Challenge here.

And stay tuned because I plan on having a give away for a few of my favorite parenting books – including Triggers.

I’d love to hear how parenting has changed you!
Blessings, Rosanne

p.s. This is the first post in my parenting series. Below are the links to parts 2 through 4 and to a few other posts I’ve written in the past about parenting that I thought you might enjoy.

Part 2: 9 Principles of Parenting That Transcend Parenting Style

Part 3: 10 Myths of Parenting

Part 4: 5 Parenting Books I Love, Plus One

Is God Enough for Your Kids, Too?

There Are No Guarantees in Parenting

Disclaimer – this post contains affiliate links. Affiliate links mean that if you click on the link and purchase something, I get a small percentage of the purchase price. It does not add to your cost at all. 🙂

Today I a over at Arabah Joy for her weekly Grace & Truth link up. Come check it out!

In our house, basketball season is a big deal.The rest of the year seems to be in anticipation of the months between November and March.

But this year, basketball season was an even bigger deal than normal. My oldest, Brock is a senior and my youngest Brody is a freshman.  They would get to play together while my husband coached them both. You could almost taste the anticipation of heightened expectations as the season got underway.

Although, I am not normally a big sports fan (you won’t find me glued to a TV to watch any game), when the three people you love most in the world are out on the court, you find yourself a whole lot more interested.

The year started off with a bang, and we had some great wins. But then something happened after Christmas. We hit a slump. We weren’t shooting well. Brock came home many nights defeated and discouraged.

As a mom, that was hard to watch. After all, I had watched my son struggle with his physical limitations. He is only 5’6″. In basketball, that is tough to overcome, but Brock put in hours and hours of hard work to get as good as he possibly could. There are some things you can’t overcome. After all, no matter how hard he worked, he couldn’t add inches to his frame or make his hands bigger, but the boy did add six inches to his vertical jump.

I had also watched Brock come to terms with giving up his dream of playing at the next level. So, as the season wound down and Brock’s shooting slump continued and the team lost more than they won, it made me angry.

I had many conversations with God that went something like, “You made him short when he loves basketball. He’s given up his dreams of playing ball at the next level. Couldn’t you at least let him end his senior year on a high note?”

To be really honest, I went back and forth with feeling sad for my son and angry with God for putting him through this. It didn’t make sense to me, and as his mom, I couldn’t fix it. I’d think I was at peace with it, and then we’d have another bad game and I’d watch his shoulders slump and that look in his eyes. It just killed me.

During the week, at practice, he’d hit his shots. One week, he hit 39 out of 42 three-point shots. Yet, during the games, he was consistently in single digits. And it wasn’t just him. Nobody on the team was shooting well. It was like the entire team had been jinxed or gremlins had taken up residence in the basketball hoops.

I know – sports are just a game. It’s not life or death and there are many things way more important going on in this world. But for a teenage boy who breathes, eats and sleeps basketball, it feels like the whole world.

The last game, the tournament game, didn’t turn out any better. In fact, Brock jumped to block a ball and someone undercut him. He slammed down onto the court and hit his head so hard, I didn’t know if he’d be getting up under his own steam.  He did end up back into the game, but only after the trainer had staunched the bleeding and an goose egg-sized bump had swelled onto his forehead.

While Brock did end up in double digits scoring that night, we lost that game. As I drove home, I could barely keep my anger in check. It felt so unfair. Brock had worked so hard and I knew that my whole family was bitterly disappointed with the game  and how the season turned out. It’s one thing to lose to a better team; it’s another to lose to a team you know you can beat if you had played better.

Regret and if only leave a bitter taste in the mouth.

I’m embarrassed to admit this, but I almost didn’t want to pray, I was so upset. I guess that probably sounds extreme, especially if you are not a sports family or if sports are not such an integral part of your life, like they are ours.

I went grudgingly into my quiet time. I wanted to be okay with whatever God was doing in my son’s life, but I also struggled with how God appeared to be doing that. I WAS thankful that Brock hadn’t been hurt worse in that last game. He, quite literally, could have broken his neck if he had hit a bit differently. He could have also come away with a severe concussion or a broken bone. The fact that he didn’t even have a headache and only had some aches and pains was a testament to God watching over him.

Still, I hurt for my son and his dashed hopes of a great senior season. Worse, I couldn’t make it better. There was nothing I could do to change things or make him feel better. I felt helpless. Is there a worse feeling as a parent?

As I did my Bible study that morning, God quietly spoke to my heart. “Your word I gave you this year is enough. You want to share that message, that I am enough because of your own experience. How can I be enough when you walked through a deep valley of grief and still not be enough to walk your son through disappointment?”

You guys. It was like I had been in a dark room, standing next to a lamp, and I had finally thought to turn it on.

It is so much easier to trust God with yourself and your own hurts and disappointments, than it is to trust Him with your children’s.

But He is still enough. In fact, He is more than enough to meet every need our children have.

In many ways, parenting older children is so much more difficult than when they were little.  Yes, they can dress and feed themselves, and it is a rare night that I am up with them now. I also just really enjoy my kids and the conversations we have.

But as our kids get older, their issues become more complex. We can’t fix it with a Spiderman bandaid and a juice box. Often, when our kids fall, it isn’t physically, and we can no longer pick them up, dust them off and set them on their feet. They have to do that for themselves.

It takes more trust to step back and not intervene when they hurt or go through hard things. Yes, we can offer our support, but often there is nothing we can tangibly do or should do, anyway. And that’s hard as a mom.

But as my son reaches the next stage and walks into young adulthood, I can rest in the fact that just as God is more than enough for me, He is also enough for my son.

So, what’s part of parenting are you struggling to trust God with? I’d love to hear about it!

Blessings, Rosanne

Every year, we have this reunion with the Coach’s side of the family, and last year, I brought plates that were WAY too small.

See, a large portion of my father-in-law’s side of the family are German Baptists, and these people are known for their wonderful cooking. Last year, I kind of forgot how awesome and plentiful the food would be, so I brought my typical 8 inch paper plate.

As my family and I walked through the line of fabulous food, I quickly realized that if I wanted to sample everything that looked good, I was going to have stack stuff pretty high. I looked over at those people who had the forethought to bring those big tray-like Styrofoam plates and felt a bit envious. It seemed so effortless for them.

As I went down the tables of food, I quickly realized that I was going to have to just pick my very favorite things because everything just wasn’t going to fit on my plate.

When I went up for dessert, everything looked SO awesome that I stacked brownies on top of pies, and topped it all off with cookies teetering precariously.

Now, I am not the most graceful person under the best of circumstances, and wouldn’t you know, that before I got back to the table, my cookies had toppled off. In the process of trying to catch the cookies, my other desserts almost slid off the plate, too. I only just righted my plate in time!

Why am I bringing up a reunion that happened in the summer? Well, as I was thinking about this particular post, it hit me that life is a lot like going through a reunion potluck. How much you can put on your plate is determined, in part, by how big the plate is. Sure, you can try to cram more stuff on that fits, but usually that ends in some of it ending up on the floor. Or worse, everything is so smushed together, you end up not being able to taste the individual dishes with all their flavors. The boundaries of what you can fit is determined by the parameters of your plate.

In our lives, we each have a figurative plate that can be filled with dreams and aspirations and goals and projects. The thing is, only so many things can fit on that plate.

If we try to cram too much on, we end up with things dripping off the sides, or we can’t really fully enjoy anything on our plate because it is all mixed up together. Or worse, everything can end up sliding off onto the floor and making a big mess.

No matter how productive or organized I am, the parameters of my life circumstances dictate how much I can take on and still keep my sanity. The same is true in your life, too.

Unless we fully accept the size plate we’ve been handed in this life, we’re destined to keep overfilling it and not even being able to enjoy the best things.

Not only do we need to accept the size of our plates, we also have to realize that the size of our plates change as we go through life. If you have babies or toddlers or both, your plate is probably smaller than the mom whose kids are in college. If you are taking care of school aged kids and aging parents, then you aren’t going to have as big a plate as your single friend. It can be really hard when we transition from one sized plate in life to another. We often find ourselves trying to cram in what used to fit, only to find everything overflowing.

We can greatly reduce the amount of stress in our lives and cut back on the crazy busyness if we just accept the plate we’ve been given at this particular time. 

If yours feels a bit small for all that you dream about and want to do, be encouraged. Plate sizes change throughout life. My plate is considerably bigger now that my boys are teenagers than it was when they were tiny and constantly needed me for the basics.

Not only does your season of life affect your plate size, but individual things do also. If you are the type that needs a lot of sleep, you might have a slightly smaller plate than your friend who is bright-eyed with only 6 hours of a sleep a night.

I have a friend who has chronic health problems. She is bright and talented and a really wonderful person, but sometimes for days, weeks or months at a time, just getting out of bed and getting dressed is an achievement. She really struggled with this for a while because she was a doer. It felt somehow like it was her fault that she was sidelined when she wanted to be going. When she finally accepted that this was the plate she’d been given, it took a big burden off her shoulders. She could see things to enjoy and be grateful for because she wasn’t always feeling defeated by what she couldn’t do anymore.

She has learned to give her energy first to what is most important to her. Even though I don’t have a chronic illness, I’ve learned a lot from her example. How many times do I waste time and energy on things that aren’t really important to me, my family or my calling.

How many times do I fill in my plate with the mediocre pie when I could be using that valuable space for triple chocolate cheesecake?

Have you accepted the plate you’ve been handed in this season of your life? What things are taking up valuable real estate on your plate that need to be scraped off to make room for the best stuff? I’d love to hear about it!

Blessings, Rosanne

I have a confession to make. I’ve never done Advent with my kids. They are 14 and 17, so my opportunity of opening cute little doors to an Advent calendar are probably gone.

I did try. One year. I went out and bought this little festive ring and the purple and pink candles. I set it on my kitchen table, but the candle kept getting knocked over because the little ring was kind of flimsy.

Early in the process, one night ,as I forced invited my little family to sit around the table to read this devotional I had printed off and light the candles, one of the candles fell over and set the little ring on fire. Fortunately, the Coach still had half a glass of water that he had the presence of mind to throw on the flames.

That was the end of Advent in my house.

I’ve always felt vaguely guilty that I never did Advent with my kids. Every Fall, in the back of my mind is the idea that I really should get my act together and do that with them. Or maybe do a Jesse Tree. Every year it doesn’t happen.

I’m not sure why I feel so guilty. I didn’t grow up doing Advent and our church denomination doesn’t do Advent either – but the idea of slowing down and anticipating Christmas seemed like a good one. After all, I wanted my boys to know that Christmas was more than presents and treats right?

The other day, after I asked my boys for about the eighth time (somewhat rewording the question each time) what Christmas tradition and/or memory stands out to them, they got someone impatient with me.

My oldest son said something along the lines of, “Why is this such a big deal to you? We hang out with the grandparents and eat good food and celebrate Jesus.”

And really its that simple isn’t it? For most people, Christmas is about celebrating Jesus’ birth, spending time with family and enjoying good food and maybe a few presents. Yet, we can make Christmas – and really every other thing in our lives – complicated and fraught with the guilt and stress of our own failed expectations.

By the way, I have nothing against Advent. I still think it is a great tradition (and I’m reading a great Advent devotional right now by John Piper), but the truth is, starting in November, our family enters into our busiest season – basketball begins. My husband has been a coach for a couple decades now, and even before my boys were old enough to follow him onto the hardwood, those weeks leading up to Christmas were filled with practices and long hours for him, and dinners squeezed into available time slots for all of us.

This year, my oldest son asked if I could take the money I’d normally spend on him for Christmas and use it to buy his friend’s basketball shoes, since that friend’s family couldn’t really afford it. So, despite the fact that we didn’t do Advent or a Jesse Tree or anything specific, at least one of my kids managed to take away the meaning of what Christmas is really about.

There are so many good things we could be doing that sometimes, we can get caught up in the idea that we have to do them ALL. Even if we can’t get to it, that expectation hangs over our heads and adds unnecessary guilt and stress to our already bursting at the seams life.

Add to this the numerous mommy blogs and craft blogs and DIY blogs and healthy eating blogs and Pinterest (which could be its own post!), and suddenly what we do for our families, our homes and our churches is never enough.

I am hoping you will humor me and do a little exercise with me. I want you to take out a piece of paper and a pencil (or whatever writing tool you happen to have handy). Now take a few minutes to write down every single thing that is hanging out in the back of your mind as something you should be doing.

Go ahead – write it all down. Every little thing that quietly nags at you to get done – someday. Take your time – i’ll wait.

Okay – do you have your list? Now I want you to look at each item on your list and ask yourself a couple questions.

1. Is this item on your list something that absolutely needs to be done for the well-being of you, your children, your husband or your family as a whole? An absolute need might include learning to cook in a new way because your child was just diagnosed with a severe food allergy, or it might be making spending time with God a priority in your daily life.
2. If the item is not an absolute must for your family’s well-being, is it something you or a family member is passionate about and brings joy? I am one of those people who likes to try new things. I knit. I love to try new craft projects. I like to garden and do photography. I adore reading and learning new things. You can see what my problem is – I have hobby ADHD. I have to limit myself to a few things or I end up with all these projects hanging over my head and a mess!
3. Is God asking you to do something specific? Recently, I felt God prompting me to invite my neighbor to go to the grocery with me because she doesn’t have a car. At the time, I didn’t really want to because I felt like I was “too busy” and it would be weird and uncomfortable. Instead, I’ve found that it really doesn’t take more than about 10 minutes of extra time, and I’m developing a friendship with my neighbor. Please understand, I am talking about what God is asking YOU to do – not about every need that is out there.

Now, I want you to let everything else on the list go. Yep – just let all those things go. Go ahead – tear up the list, burn it, or make it into a paper airplane and sail it into the garbage.

There are probably a few things on the list that don’t fall under the above three categories but you still feel you want to do them (say, you feel like you should clean out your basement or organize your pictures), then do yourself a big favor. Schedule the time to do it, get it done and cross it off your list.

But please be realistic. If you’ve just had twins, you can probably wait to clean out the basement and organize the pictures until life gets a bit more normalized and you are sleeping more than 20 minutes at a time.

I’d love to know what things that were on your list that you let go, so please feel free to share in the comments.

Blessings, Rosanne

p.s. If you want to read the first post in the series Breaking the Bondage of Busyness, head over here.

I don’t know what your Mondays looked like this week, but mine started at about 7:30 a.m. (I let my oldest drive so I could sleep in a little – thank you driver’s license!). We had a band concert, so by the time I got home and could relax for the night it was about 9:30 p.m. (of course, that doesn’t include BOTH of my boys coming to me to look over their papers they had written.)

Between 7:30 a,m. and 9:30 p.m. I exercised, put meatloaf in the crock pot, washed 5 loads of laundry, wrote an article, did marketing research, outlined a story, walked the dog, served dinner in shifts and went to a band concert. I also happen to have an infected tooth from a partial root canal (don’t ask!), so I did all that sort of drugged up.

If I wanted to be really productive, I’m sure there were other projects I could have worked on instead of taking a 30 minute nap. I could have used all the minutes in my day. I could have worked those margins so there was no white space left.

But why?

While I am a fan of using my time wisely (I am the ultimate putter-er and can waste a day like nobody’s business), I’m not sure how wise it is to be constantly trying to be more productive, to squeeze one more thing onto plates that are so full they are teetering.

Where did we get the idea that more is always better?

I recently got an email entitled, “Make the Most of All Your Minutes.” While I don’t think it is a bad thing to be intentional with your time, this kind of thinking can definitely trap me into always feeling behind.

The other day, I was working on cleaning out some cabinets and realized I was experiencing a vague sense of guilt. I couldn’t put my finger on it, until I realized I tend to walk around with a constant, nagging anxiety that I should either be doing something else or working faster at what I am doing or am somehow behind before I even began.

I hadn’t thought of the story of Mary and Martha for a long time, but when it came up in my Bible study just this past week, I was struck again by how much the productivity gurus would have been all about Martha who was “busy doing many things.” I’m sure they might have even sniffed a bit in disapproval to see Mary sitting. Sure, she was sitting AT JESUS’ FEET, but she wasn’t DOING anything.

When Martha pointed out that she was doing all the work while Mary wasn’t doing anything, Jesus gently chided her. “Martha, Martha, you are worried and bothered about so many things, but only one thing is necessary, for Mary has chosen the good part, which shall not be taken away from her.”

Every morning, I spend time with Jesus. I read my Bible and spend time praying. My goal is to begin my work day at about 9 a.m., but I often find myself going over that. Maybe I got started a few minutes late, or maybe I get into a really good conversation with God, but I look at the clock. I see that it is closing in on 9:30, and I feel like a failure. Like once again, I am starting out behind.

I also tend to get sidetracked. When a friend calls me and has a problem, I’ll spend 45 minutes on the phone. I look at the clock when I hang up and realize that, once again, I’m behind schedule.

But whose schedule am I worried about really?

I work from home. I don’t have set hours, except when I have an interview scheduled. The only person who is disappointed in me is, well, me. Clearly, I have issues.

But here’s the deal, here is what Jesus has been showing me. Relationship -whether with Jesus or a person – can only happen when you are present. And to be present, sometimes, you have to still. 

So, maybe it’s time we stop reading productivity tips and start working instead on being present. I’d love to hear how you make space in your life to be present.

Blessings, Rosanne

It’s been six weeks since we got the call that my brother took his own life. It’s been six weeks since my world was turned upside down and I lost my only sibling. The pain of losing someone to suicide is a different kind of grief. It is a grief tainted with the taste of regret, what ifs and if onlys.

The thing is, my family is not alone in our pain. According to statistics, 104 other people took their life that day; 104 other families are walking this same painful road with more added every day (105 Americans take their lives every day according to the CDC).

I’m a little late posting this, but yesterday, September 10th, was World Prevention Suicide Day. After what happened in my own family, I don’t feel like I can let this day pass without marking it in some way.

Unfortunately, my brother has not been the only person in my life who has threatened suicide. At least two other people have told me they wanted to take their lives. Each time, I felt sort of helpless and unsure of what I should do. All I knew to do was to keep them talking, to get them to promise to call me in the morning (it always seemed that it was in the evening when these things happened). With my neighbor, who loved her dogs, I kept telling her she had to take care of them – what would happen to them if she followed through? That sounds really lame, but at the time, it was the only thing I could think of, and I guess it worked because she called me the next morning.

The truth is, suicide kills more Americans than car crashes (CDC), so the chances of coming in contact with someone who is suicidal isn’t as far fetched as you might think. I know it isn’t really a fun thing to talk about, but knowing what to do can save a life.

According to the AFSP, over half of people who take their lives, tell people beforehand. This is why we need to talk about suicide and arm ourselves with the knowledge to help those who often can’t see their way to help themselves.

In the hopes of sparing another family the unique anguish of losing a loved one through suicide, I’m sharing seven things you can do if someone shares their intent to harm themselves with you.

1. Ask them if they are suicidal. Sometimes, people make vague mentions of life not being worth it, or how they wish they weren’t here anymore. Asking if the person feels suicidal will not plant the idea in someone’s head. I know it’s kind of awkward to ask, but it’s better to be safe than sorry.
2. Take them seriously. It’s easy to brush it off because we don’t want to really believe the person we think we know is actually serious. If the person has threatened before, it’s even easier to brush it off as dramatics or even manipulation.
3.  Offer to take them to the nearest emergency room for evaluation. Most people who are truly suicidal will not take themselves to the hospital. They need someone to go with them. Offer to be that person.
4. Call 911 if they refuse to get help on their own. In most areas, local authorities have to take a person in for at least a 24 hour psychiatric evaluation if their threat of suicide is reported. Yes, they might get angry with you, but the alternative is certainly much worse!
5. Make sure everyone is safe. People who are truly suicidal might also feel desperate. Be sure that everyone in the situation is safe, even if you have to leave the immediate area to call 911.
6. Don’t get angry with the person. Suicide seems like such a selfish thing on the surface, but for the person who is contemplating it, their thoughts are twisted. Often, people who are suicidal will say things like, “Everyone will be better off without me,” and really believe it. Sometimes, their mental and emotional pain is so great, their only thought is relief and suicide seems like the only way to get it.
7. Don’t lose hope. According to an article in Relevant Magazine, 80% of people who seek help for depression feel better within six weeks of getting treatment. Just because someone is suicidal now doesn’t means that they will always feel that way.

Suicide is not something anyone wants to think about, never mind actually deal with, but there are probably people you know who are struggling. By being aware and arming yourself with knowledge, you might just save a life.

Blessings, Rosanne