When a long-term subbing job came up, I was excited. I knew it would be a lot of work, with still doing two articles every week, but when I looked at the schedule, I knew I could do it. So, I let the school know that I could fill in for the six week maternity leave. I went through the interview and scheduled my days to shadow the teacher.
Then I went home and panicked.
All the possible ways that things could implode began to play over and over in my mind. What if I couldn’t get my interviews done? What if I was super tired and couldn’t cope? How would I get the dog walked, dinner on the table and attend all the baseball games (April is insane with baseball)? How would I get up at 6 a.m.?
Then I shadowed the teacher and realized that she was scheduled to do the devotionals the entire month of May, too.
That’s when I started to hyperventilate.
This morning I was having my quiet time and it hit me with the force of a brick to the head – God has NOT given us a spirit of fear. In Christ, we are NOT defeated. Yet, I had allowed fear to tangle in my heart and choke out my sense of hope and expectation.
What had started out as something good had become something that filled me with dread.
Instead of being excited about the possibilities, I was crippled by all the “what ifs.”
This morning, with tears running down my face, I asked God to forgive me for operating -not out of a place of faith- but a place of fear and defeat. That defeatist attitude prevented me from seeing all the cool things that were possible.
I hadn’t even realized the heavy load of defeat I had been dragging around with me the last week or so. I’m not sure when “I can’t,” had replaced my sense of hope and expectation. I just knew that I woke up every morning with a heaviness hijacking my soul.
The thing is, I’ve always loved teaching the Bible and sharing what God is showing me (which is why this blog even exists!), so doing the teacher devotionals shouldn’t be a burden – it’s an opportunity to encourage and build up fellow believers.
Every morning, I get to teach Bible to junior high kids. Imagine the possibilities.
I enjoy teaching, and I get to do it for six weeks.
Only satan takes what we love and twists it into something we dread, and fear is his favorite weapon.
In fact, if I feel pulled to do something and then get overwhelmed with a sense of fear or anxiety, I can almost guarantee that is from satan. It certainly is not from God because He promises us that a spirit of fear does not come from HIM!
This is not a new concept for me – but I hadn’t even realized how much fear and thus defeat had crept into my life on silent feet – one doubt, one anxiety at a time.
I’m so glad that God showed me that I was believing a lie rather than His promise. Now the choice is mine – am I going to believe God’s promises or Satan’s lies?
How about you – where are you feeling fearful or defeated lately?